I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
