i think i have two assholes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
