it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
