I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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