watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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