for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
