my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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