No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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