Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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