I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
