i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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