i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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