she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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