Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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