smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The cops high fived after they tackled you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
