I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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