I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
