my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
