pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
