wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
