Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
