Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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