hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
