My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
