i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
