I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize