If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
