Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
