im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
