I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
