My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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