Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
