so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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