Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize