Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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