the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize