I accidentally burped into my bong.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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