Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
