My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
