In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
