That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
