I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
