I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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