so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
