They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize