I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
