and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
