I cannot find my penis.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
whose parrot is this?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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