So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
