I wish I only lived at night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
