The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
