apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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