then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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