i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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