He asked to "fluff my boner.."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize