Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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