I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I deserve this hangover.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
