I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
