I accidentally had phone sex last night
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
