Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you guys were way drunker than both of me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
