I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
