I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
