and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
