dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
