He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
