Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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