My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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